My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.