My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.