My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
You Might Also Like
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that