My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The asteroid..
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*