My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.