My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.