my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.


I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.


I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.


Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh


Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.


I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”


I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot


I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.


During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.



Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?


This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.