my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.