My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.