My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.