My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Grandpa
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.