My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
set yourself free xox
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.