My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
💁🏻♂️
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If snakes were wide
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.