My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet