My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
we all know this pain all too well
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO