My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Yup.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive