My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Always…
he chose this
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again