My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Twitter is the new flypaper.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton