My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
repaired
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Worth remembering.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti