My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.