My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
R.I.P.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Don鈥檛 judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
INTERVIEWER: What鈥檚 your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he鈥檚 in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I鈥檓 still laughing .
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what鈥檚 the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I鈥檝e soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That鈥檚 the question you wanna ask?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.