My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
peeping toms
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.