My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.