My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You Might Also Like
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice