[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Lmao
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”