My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire