My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.