No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*
*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.