my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.