My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
This came to me in a dream.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra