My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Many hands make light work
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
