My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Oh the world we live in…
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Stop sending me this shit.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
This January has 47 Mondays
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?