My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Pat is about to own someone
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.