My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Living the best life.. 😊
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.