My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Story of my life…..
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Google assistant rules
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores