My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.