My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army