My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.


COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no


I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.


When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”


Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue


My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.


[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself