@a_simpl_man
@timothybird186 Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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@timothybird186 
@WilliamAder Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
@buttsword COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
@myonlymizztake I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
@HuffPostComedy This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
@Jake_Vig When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
@Smug_Lemur Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
@MicheleAKALips My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
@david8hughes [soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself