Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself