My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You Might Also Like
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB