My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”