My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
File under excellent bookstore names.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi