My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

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“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo


can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way


Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands


If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?


Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey


Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.


Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think


Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.



Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?