My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.