My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.