My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“The Perfect Relationship”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap