My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you