My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.