Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

relationship goals

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.