my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
When you try jalapeños for the first time
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.