My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
i like to flex on them by shrugging
That time Alicia messaged me
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Baking is just science you can eat.
That’s easy for you to say
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.