My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I feel it
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Autocarrot sucks!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?