My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!