My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one