My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The internet is magic sometimes.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Please do it!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?