my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.