My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”