My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.